RBDSMA - Conversation

Communication is sexy. It helps create genuine intimacy and supports us to be in the moment with healthy, flowing energy - before, during and after an encounter.

Here I share a great conversation you can have with someone you might want to get intimate and sexual with. My first experience with this kind of "pre-talk" before a sexual encounter was at ISTA L1 in Portugal in September 2021. The acronym is RBDSMA - In the middle it says "BDSM" - At the beginning an "R" and at the end an "A". :-)

The idea of the talk is to have this conversation before a sexual/intimate encounter. The conversation helps connection & safety to emerge through honesty and open communication. Through clarity & consensus, the (sexual) energy can flow more freely afterwards and the head & our nervous system can relax more during the encounter at best.

"Some feel that talking and planning take all the mystery out of sex. This concern is primarily based on a fear of sexual communication."

- Jack Morin

From my own experience I can recommend to have this talk with people before entering into a sexual connection, in order to check whether you really want to enter into a sexual initimate encounter, whether you are "on the same page" and whether you can find a common intersection in the desires. Sometimes our "erotic mind" tricks us, for example, and a preliminary conversation can help to sense this. In addition, communicating about sex before the encounter also supports open communication during the sexual encounter.

This whole conversation can last 10 minutes or two hours. My recommendation would be not to stretch it out too much but rather to resume and repeat the conversation on these 6 points (RBDSMA) each time you meet several times. Talk about what comes to mind about each section at the time and keep the "back & forth" going. If questions arise from the answers, talk about them.

After sharing each other's 6 points, give yourself a moment to empathize:

Is it a HELL YES to go into a sexual, intimate encounter with this person?
What do your genitals, your belly, your heart, your head say and feel? Are all four saying YES?

If at the end of the conversation you don't feel good about continuing the connection, be honest with yourself out of dignity & respect for yourself, your body & your counterpart: communicate that you don't want to continue. If it feels good to you, say that YES and desire to have a sexual encounter with your counterpart.

• R - RELATIONSHIP(S) | Relationship(s)

  > What kind of relationship(s) are you currently in? What is your relationship status?
  > Do you have any arrangements with current partners that might affect this new interaction?

• B - BOUNDARIES | Borders

  > What are your boundaries as an individual and also in relation to other relationships you may be in?
  > Are there insecurities and fears about this new possible interaction?
  > Do you have no-go's or turn-off's (physical, verbal) that are important to you to name? What things do you not want to experience or where and how do you not want to be touched?
  
  Especially for more intense bodyplays it is recommended to make a safeword as a stop signal and to use a traffic light system (green-yellow-orange-red) or a number scale 1-10 to give the other person (& yourself) a guideline in which intensity you are currently and where the limit is.

• D - DESIRES | Needs

  > What do you want from this person & encounter? Is there an overlap of wants and needs between you?
  > What are your turn-ons and what would you especially like to experience/experience with the other person?

  If you state your needs, you will most likely get them met. You can be very specific. You may also want to let the interaction develop organically. However, if you state a few wishes, this gives the other person clear indications on the one hand, but also security.

• S - SEXUAL HEALTH | Sexual Health

  > When did you last get tested for sexually transmitted infections, what did you test for, and what were the results? What unprotected interactions (oral, vaginal, anal) have you had since then? Do you have a history of STIs? (Sexually transmittable infections)
  > What safer sex practices do you use? (Condom, lick cloth, etc.) Contraception & sexual health is a shared responsibility.
  

  STIs can be transmitted through oral-vaginal-anal fluid exchanges. Therefore, it is important that the people we come into contact with know what risk they are taking. If we know this information about potential partners, we can decide together on a suitable form of "safer sex".

• M - MEANING | Meaning

  > What does this encounter mean to you? What will this connection mean for you tomorrow or next week?
  > Is this a one-time encounter for you, do you expect a repetition, or do you desire a specific form of relationship with this person?

• A - AFTERCARE | "Aftercare

  > What "aftercare" do you need? What do you need after meeting this person? Do you want a message the next day or a check-in call? For example, is it already clear if you will spend the night together or if someone will/must still go home?

  It is nice to take care of the other after we have entered into an intimate relationship, and it is especially nice to do so in a way that the other person wants and needs. Having this clarity ahead of time creates safety, closeness & connection.