3 Min. Game - Wheel of Consent

This 3-min. game has been developed by Betty Martin. She is the creator of the Wheel of Consent and a Sexological Bodyworker.

The game consists of two different questions - each of them is an offer. Take turns with the questions (in any order).

• Offer #1: How would you like to be touched by me - for 3 minutes?

• Offer #2: How would you like to touch me - for 3 minutes?
  (Don't try to "give" anything. This part is for YOUR pleasure).

Each of the four rounds of the game puts you in a different role. Either YOU do something or YOUR OPPOSITE does something - and it's either for YOU or it's for THE OTHER PERSON.

WHEEL OF CONSENT by Betty Martin

These two factors result in four possible combinations:

• YOU do something and it is FOR YOU (take)

• YOU do something and it is FOR THE OTHER PERSON (Serve)

• YOUR PRESENT DOES SOMETHING AND IT IS FOR YOU (Accept)

• YOUR OPPOSITE is doing something to you and doing it FOR YOURSELF (Allowing)

Each of the four roles has different pleasures and challenges. Each of them will teach you something specific about yourself and address a particular aspect of your being and sexuality. The intention is to be able to distinguish between each role. Ask yourself: WHO is it for? Start slowly, with short intervals and neutral (non-sexual) body regions.

Your agreement creates the quadrants: Without an agreement for whom something is, the quadrants do not exist (consensus).

• ACCEPT

  Most people call this "receiving," but this is not the only way to receive. "Taking" is also a form of receiving.

  To assume:

  1. put yourself first. Don't settle for what is "OK" for you. It should be wonderful.

  2. take all the time you need to perceive what exactly it is that you want. This is the most important part - and often the hardest.

  3. ask as directly and specifically as possible for what you want. No "you could...", no "maybe", no "whatever you want".

  Stop trying to make the "giver" experience pleasant. That is the job of your counterpart.

  5. you can always change your mind (and ask for something else).

  6. say thank you!

  Essence: Benefit from the action of others.

• SERVING

  Most people call this "giving," but this is not the only way to give. "Allowing" is also a form of giving.

  To serve:

  1. put your preferences aside (including the reactions you would like to see).

  2. ask what your counterpart wants - and wait for the answer. Giving your counterpart space and time to make their own decision is the most important part.

  Then decide if you are willing and able to do it. Respect your limits. Ask yourself, "Is this something I can give wholeheartedly?"

  4. if YES, then do it as best you can.

  Say "You're welcome." You are contributing to the experience of the other person. The gift you give is your doing.

  Essence: Acting to benefit others.

• TAKE

  This part is difficult for many people and often feels strange, elusive or scary. "Taking" is an active form of receiving, in which you receive a true gift - the gift of access to another person. In order to accept it, you must stop "giving".

  To take:

  1. ask the other person what their limits are and stick strictly to them.

  Take time to notice how and where you would like to touch your counterpart.

  3. ask "May I..." and not "Would you like to?"

  4. use your hands to feel, not to "serve". Be slow - the slower you are, the more you feel. Feel the shape and texture of the body part you are touching.

  5. when you start "giving", remember that it is for you.

  6. say "Thank you!"

  Essence: Act to benefit yourself.

• ALLOW

  This part is very easy for some and very difficult for others. It depends on whether you know that you have an influence on how you are touched. Allowing is a form of giving. The gift you give is access to you. Put aside what you would like to have and take responsibility for your boundaries.

  To allow:

  1. take time to perceive your limits. Ask yourself: Is this a gift that I can give wholeheartedly?

  2. wait for an inner YES!

  3. if you hesitate, one of the following occurs

  Points to:
  - you need more information - it's a "no" waiting to be heard by you
  - it would be a YES if you still set a certain limit - ask yourself what that limit is.

  4. say "You're welcome!"

  Essence: Giving others permission to act for their pleasure.

One method of Sexological Bodywork is Self-Empowerment Massage. This is about the quadrant "Accept" and I accompany people in the quadrant "Serve" over about 1h always with the same question: "Where & how do you want to be touched?" In this powerful method of bodywork people learn to feel their needs in the body, verbalize them, practice receiving, express change and stand up for themselves.